Updated for 2025 by Valerie Groysman, MSW, RSW
Child & Family Therapist specializing in Infant & Early Childhood Mental Health & Sleep

If you’ve ever stood outside your baby’s room at 2am, listening to them cry and wondering if this is really the only way to get sleep—I need you to know something:

It’s not.

Or maybe you haven’t even tried it yet. Maybe the thought of leaving your baby to cry—even for a moment—makes your stomach turn. Maybe every fiber of your being is saying “this doesn’t feel right,” but you’re so exhausted you don’t know what else to do.

You’re in the right place.

When I first wrote about this topic in 2019, I was just beginning to support families who were exhausted, overwhelmed, and confused by conflicting sleep advice. Since then, I’ve worked with thousands of families using a relationship-centered, developmentally aligned approach.

And one thing has never changed:

You deserve sleep and wellbeing.
Your baby deserves health and emotional safety.
And you do not have to choose between the two.

This article explains what sleep training actually is, why many parents are rethinking these approaches in 2025, why common alternatives often fall short, and the connection-focused way I support families today.

If you’ve already sleep trained, you’re not doing anything wrong. Nothing in this article is here to make you doubt yourself. My goal is to offer clarity, compassion, and information rooted in infant mental health so you can choose what aligns with your values.

If you want healthy, easy, settled sleep without cry-it-out, harsh methods, limiting soothing and responsiveness or overriding your instincts, you’re in the right place.

What Is Sleep Training?

Sleep training is a set of behavioral methods designed to help babies fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. These methods focus on reducing a baby’s reliance on external soothing (like rocking or feeding) and increasing independent settling.

Sleep training methods vary in how much distress a baby is expected to tolerate. Some involve significant separation (like cry-it-out), while others are marketed as “gentle” but still work by gradually reducing parental support.

What they all share is one goal:
Teaching a baby or child to sleep independently by changing their sleep behaviors and limiting how you respond when they’re distressed.

This is different from seeing sleep as something that unfolds naturally: through development and relationship.

Common Sleep Training Methods

1. Cry-It-Out (Extinction)

You put your baby in their crib and don’t go back until morning, no matter how much they cry. Babies typically cry less within 3-7 nights. But research shows their sleep does not actually change and they may not sleep longer stretches—they just stop calling for you.

2. The Ferber Method (Timed Checks)

You go back to your baby on a set schedule—3 minutes, then 5, then 10, and so on. You’re responding to the clock, not to how distressed your baby is. Babies may cry less over time, though their actual sleep patterns may not change much.

3. Chair Method / Sleep Lady Shuffle

You sit beside the crib but limit touch and eye contact, then gradually move farther away each night until you’re out of the room. It’s marketed as gentle, but the shift in your demeanor from how you interact with them during the day, can be confusing for babies and emotionally difficult for parents.

4. Pick-Up / Put-Down

You pick your baby up when they cry and put them down when they calm. Then repeat. Sometimes for hours. It’s exhausting and often doesn’t address why your baby is struggling in the first place.

5. Sleep Wave

You check in every five minutes, say a brief scripted phrase, and leave. The idea is that soothing shouldn’t come from you being present—which goes against what we know about attachment and how babies regulate through connection.

Why Parents Are Rethinking Sleep Training in 2025

In parenting forums, Reddit threads, and comment sections across the internet, more parents are openly questioning whether sleep training actually delivers on its promises. Here’s what keeps coming up:

You have to keep re-training

So many parents say they have to “re-train” after every illness, regression, trip, or developmental leap. Instead of teaching families how to cope with real-life disruptions, sleep training often means restarting the whole protocol again and again—without building any lasting skills – for parents or little ones.

Short-term fix, same problems later

Parents report that even when sleep training “works” in the baby stage, the same sleep issues show up after age 2: night fears, needing a parent present, frequent wakes. The behavior changed temporarily, but the underlying needs didn’t go away.

“Sleep training is really for parents, not babies”

In science-based parenting spaces, people are now saying this openly: sleep training doesn’t change a baby’s sleep capacity or emotional needs. It changes how much they signal—and it’s primarily for the parent’s sleep, not the child’s development.

It doesn’t create “independent sleepers”

Some parents point out: sleep training doesn’t produce kids who are more emotionally resilient or better sleepers long-term. It produces kids who don’t call out at night—which isn’t the same thing as sleeping well or feeling secure.

The emotional hangover

Even when sleep training “works,” many parents describe feeling uneasy about what they had to override in themselves. There’s often guilt, second-guessing, or a lingering sense that something about it didn’t sit right—even if they got more sleep.

It normalizes disconnection

Some parents worry that sleep training frames emotional disconnection from babies as a parenting “win”—and wonder what that does to our broader parenting culture.

But What About the Alternatives?

If you’ve decided sleep training isn’t for you, you’ve probably looked for other options. And if you’re like most parents I talk to, you’ve hit a frustrating wall:

The alternatives often don’t offer real support either.

Here’s what I hear all the time:

“I’m following my baby’s cues, but I’m so exhausted I can barely function.”

“Every gentle sleep account says they are gentle but when I hired them and their methods didn’t work, they just told me to sleep train”

“I loved co-sleeping for a bit because it gave me more sleep but when I wanted something different, I was told to wait until my child is “ready””

And I get it. You’re stuck between two options that both feel impossible:

Sleep training, which might work for a few weeks but often requires re-training with every disruption, doesn’t teach you coping skills, asks you to override your instincts and honestly? does not prioritize what is best for your baby.

And alternatives that sound loving but leave you exhausted, confused, frustrated or resorting back to sleep training, with no clear path forward.

Why “Baby-Led” and “Gentle” Approaches May Fall Short

Here’s what parents consistently tell me about non-sleep-training alternatives:

“There’s no actual plan.”
Anti-sleep-training content often tells you what not to do but doesn’t give you concrete steps beyond “co-sleep” or “follow your baby’s lead.” When you’re up 9 times a night and nothing’s improving, “just trust your baby” isn’t enough.

It feels vague and wishy-washy.
Many gentle or no sleep training feel philosophical but not practical. You resonate with deeply nurturing your baby but you’re also left feeling lost, in pain (literally), overwhelmed, and like you’re supposed to just endure exhaustion without any structure, support or an end in sight.

Parent wellbeing goes off to the side line.
In “gentle” “no sleep training” spaces, there are countless posts from parents who are completely depleted, resentful, struggling in their relationships, or dealing with mental health decline: even though they “didn’t sleep train.” Prioritizing only the baby’s needs without protecting yours isn’t sustainable.

Survivorship bias.
You see the success stories: “We just followed their lead and they slept through at 8 months!” But so many parents quietly feel like failures because that didn’t happen for them—and there’s no support for what to do when following cues alone isn’t working.

No real help when things aren’t working.
When you say, “We’re not sleeping and I’m not okay,” the responses might be “just wait it out” or “maybe you should sleep train” or “put them in your bed until they stop”—with nothing in between. There’s a missing middle ground.

“Gentle sleep training” drags on forever.
Even gentle methods can take months with no clear progress, leaving you either giving up or defaulting to cry-it-out out of sheer desperation.

This is why I hear from so many parents who feel stuck.

You don’t want to sleep train. But you also can’t keep doing what you’re doing.

You need something different. Something that actually works for real life.

That’s what I built.

Why I Don’t Sleep Train: My Story

When I had my first baby, I was drowning in exhaustion just like every new parent. The lack of sleep was crushing. And everyone—everyone—kept telling me: “You just need to sleep train.”

But something in me resisted.

I’m a therapist. I specialize in infant mental health. I know what babies need for healthy emotional development. And every time I read about sleep training methods, something felt off.

Not because I was judging parents who did it. But because the whole premise—that babies need to learn to sleep without us, that crying alone builds independence, that being responsive creates dependence—went against everything I knew about attachment, co-regulation, and how babies’ brains actually develop.

So I didn’t sleep train.

But I also didn’t just “wait it out” or follow my baby’s cues without any structure.

I looked at feeding. Development. Temperament. Our sleep setup. My own capacity. And I made gentle, informed changes that honored both my baby’s needs and mine.

It wasn’t always easy. There were hard nights. But we got through them together. And more importantly—I learned how to read my baby, trust my instincts, and adapt when things changed.

That’s what led me to create the approach I use today.

You can read more about my journey here: Finding My Philosophy

The New Way: Relationship-Supported Sleep™

After working with 1000’s of families I have combined my qualifications, knowledge and experience. This is the approach I use with families today.

It’s not sleep training.
Not baby-led sleep.
Not “gentle Ferber.”
Not wait-it-out.

It’s a third category entirely.

It’s a developmentally informed, connection-first approach that considers your whole child, you as the parent, and your whole family.

Sleep is supported, not taught.

For babies, sleep is regulated through feeding and your relationship.
For toddlers and preschoolers, sleep is regulated through emotions, boundaries, and connection.

This approach works across ages because sleep challenges shift as babies and kids grow—and unlike sleep training, and honestly the alternatives, we see sleep as a developing process rather than a one time event. This approach gives you the skills to navigate those shifts without starting from scratch every time and setting yourself and your child up for healthy development long term.

How Relationship-Supported Sleep™ Actually Works

We start by looking at the whole picture

Not just wake windows, black out blinds and white noise. Not your bedtime routines or your “habits”—but feeding, development, temperament, sensory needs, medical factors, your sleep setup, and your family dynamics and lifestyle.

There’s no one-size-fits-all here. Your co-sleeping, breastfeeding 8-month-old has different needs than a formula-fed, crib-sleeping 8-month-old. A family doing shift work has different needs than a stay at home mom. And all are completely normal.

We set realistic expectations

When you understand what’s actually developmentally appropriate for your baby’s age, you stop feeling like you’re failing. You stop wondering what you’re doing wrong. And you can finally see what’s really happening.

Want to know what’s realistic for your baby’s age? Download my free Normal Sleep Guides to get started.

We figure out what’s actually disrupting sleep

Is it feeding? A developmental leap? Separation anxiety? Nap timing? Sensory overwhelm? Your baby being overtired or under-tired? are you or your family going through unusually high stress?

Most sleep programs skip this step entirely. They give you a method and tell you to follow it. But if you don’t know what’s causing the problem, the solution won’t work.

We make gentle, personalized changes at your pace

You keep what’s working. We shift what isn’t.

No charts. No scripts. No ignoring cries. No overriding your instincts. In fact, your instincts and values guide us.

We support connection and development while building skills, not just routines

Instead of having to re-train at every bump in the road, you learn how to navigate illness, travel, regressions, and developmental leaps while protecting sleep and connection.

You become your child’s sleep expert—not dependent on another protocol or program.

We keep connection at the center

Safety and security are the foundation of healthy sleep. Your relationship creates a sense of safety and security in your little one.

The goal isn’t “drowsy but awake.”
The goal is a regulated nervous system and a secure child who sleeps because they feel comfortable, safe and secure.

How This Is Different From Everything Else

Unlike sleep training:

• You don’t have to re-train with every disruption
• You build coping skills that actually last
• You don’t override your instincts or your baby’s signals
• We address root causes, not just change how much they cry

Unlike vague “no sleep training” approaches:

• You get step by step guidance, not a generic plan. Based on development, personalized to your family (not just “follow your baby”)
• Your wellbeing is protected, not sacrificed
• You have real support when things aren’t working—not just “wait it out”
• It’s practical and sustainable, not just philosophical
• It’s designed around your personal values and lifestyle while honoring your little one’s development and biological needs. Not a prescription of how families or babies should sleep.

Unlike “gentle sleep training”:

• You’re not withdrawing support or limiting how you soothe or respond
• There’s no endless dragging-on period with no clear next step
• We adapt to your baby’s temperament, feeding style, development, your lifestyle and values
• The relationship stays at the center
• We never tell you to “just sleep train” or “just wait”

This protects the relationship—which protects everyone.

Sleep training prioritizes parent needs.
Alternatives prioritize only the baby.
Relationship-Supported Sleep™ protects both with your relationship at the core.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do babies need sleep training?

No. Sleep isn’t something you train into a baby—it’s something that develops naturally through connection, responsive caregiving, and brain maturation. Your baby’s nervous system learns to regulate through you, not through being left alone.

Does sleep training harm attachment?

The research is mixed, and no long-term harm has been proven. But we do know that secure attachment comes from sensitive, consistent responsiveness. Many parents tell me sleep training required them to override that responsiveness—which can feel at odds with the relationship they want to build.

Can I help my baby sleep without letting them cry alone?

Yes. This approach supports sleep through connection, development, and emotional safety. Crying isn’t the problem—prolonged, unresponded-to distress is what concerns us.

Why do some babies sleep well without any method?

Genetics, temperament, development, feeding, medical factors, sensory needs, and environment all vary. Some babies are naturally great sleepers. Others need more support. Neither is wrong.

What if I already sleep trained and regret it?

It’s never too late. You can always rebuild trust and responsiveness. Your relationship is resilient. And there’s no shame in choosing a different path moving forward. However, we do find that there is more “un-learning” to do when parents have sleep trained before so we recommend familiarizing yourself with our materials through our courses.

You Don’t Have to Choose

If you’re reading this and feeling that familiar mix of exhaustion and hope—you’re not alone.

Thousands of parents are navigating sleep without having to choose between their wellbeing and their baby’s emotional safety.

You don’t have to do this alone. And you don’t have to choose.

Your relationship is the method.
Sleep grows from there.

Ready to Get Started?

📥 Download my free Normal Sleep Guides to understand what’s realistic for your baby’s age

📱 Follow me on Instagram for daily support and real talk about sleep

🎥 Join me on TikTok for quick, science-based sleep tips

🗺️ Join the My Sleep Roadmap waitlist for personalized, step-by-step guidance (birth–18 months)

💬 Explore my courses and consultations for deeper support

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