Wondering if your only choices are sleep training or staying exhausted? Here’s what actually helps, why babies wake, and how to support sleep while staying responsive to your baby and your values.
The Short Answer
Yes.
You do not have to choose between leaving your baby to cry and staying exhausted forever. In fact, research shows that consistent routines work equally as well as cry it out methods in getting independent falling asleep!
One of the biggest misconceptions in baby sleep is that there are only two options:
- Leave your baby to cry
- Wait it out
In reality, there is a lot more in between those two options:
You can understand why your baby is waking, support the systems that influence sleep, protect your sleep, and make changes that improve sleep while remaining responsive to your child. You do not have to choose between your sleep and wellbeing and theirs – but you do have to shift your understanding and expectations. Many parents have consumed advice from books, social media, Google, family members, and well-meaning professionals that often conflict with one another. It’s no wonder so many families feel confused.
Why Parents Feel Stuck
Most parents come to me because neither extreme feels right.
They don’t want to leave their baby to cry.
But they also don’t want to spend years exhausted, wondering if things will ever improve.
This creates what I call a false binary:
Option 1
Sleep training.
Option 2
Do nothing and hope your child eventually grows out of it.
Neither reflects how sleep actually works.
Many families tell me they’ve tried approaches described as ‘gentle’ only to find that when those strategies didn’t work for their child, they weren’t given another path forward and were just told to “just do cry it out”.
The Most Important Thing to Understand About Sleep
Sleep is not a skill that can be taught.
Sleep is a biological function.
Just like eating, toileting, walking, or talking, sleep develops with time and experience.
That doesn’t mean you can’t encourage healthy or even independent sleep.
It means that sleep challenges are rarely caused by a lack of training or “teaching”.
Instead, sleep is influenced by many factors working together.
Why Babies Wake at Night
Babies are designed to wake.
Night waking serves important biological purposes including:
- Feeding
- Protection
- Development
- Connection
- Regulation
The real question is not:
“How do I stop the waking?”
The real question is:
“What do I need to support my baby and myself?”
“What does my baby need to sleep well?”
“Why is my baby waking?”
Common Reasons Babies Wake
Development
Growth spurts, developmental leaps, new skills, and changes in the brain can *temporarily* affect sleep.
Feeding Needs
Especially during infancy, feeding and sleep are closely connected.
Discomfort
Discomfort can come from inside or outside the body and may contribute to frequent waking. If you want to understand why your baby won’t link sleep cycles, watch this free 10 minute video
Sleep Environment
Temperature, noise, light, routines, and predictability can all affect sleep quality.
Regulation
A baby’s nervous system plays a significant role in sleep.
How a child experiences stimulation, transitions, stress, and daily routines can influence nighttime sleep.
Total sleep needs and timing matters and each baby’s needs are different.
Family Stress and Lifestyle
Sleep happens within relationships and family systems. Your own wellbeing influences your baby’s sleep. How you feel about their sleep and your own sense of safety when it comes to their sleep, creates an emotional context and influences their sleep patterns. This is why we prioritize your wellbeing as well as your baby’s.
The Alternative to Sleep Training and “Doing Nothing”
This is where many parents feel relieved.
The alternative is not suffering indefinitely.
The alternative is understanding.
Instead of asking:
“How do I teach my baby to sleep?”
Ask:
“What is this sleep pattern telling me?”
Once you understand why your child is waking, it becomes much easier to decide:
- What is normal
- What is temporary
- What may need attention
- What changes might help
The Three Systems I Look At
Inside my Relationship-Supported Sleep™ approach, we focus on three interconnected systems:
Development
What is happening in your child’s development right now?
Regulation
How is your child’s nervous system functioning?
Relationship
How safe, supported, and connected does sleep feel?
Looking at sleep through these three lenses often reveals much more than focusing on habits alone. Tap this link if you are curious to learn more about Relationship-Supported Sleep™ approach
Are You Creating Bad Habits By Responding?
No.
Research consistently shows that responsive caregiving supports healthy development, emotional wellbeing, and resilience.
Responding to your baby does not spoil them.
Responding does not automatically create sleep problems.
The goal is not to stop responding.
The goal is to understand what your child needs and respond in ways that support both of you. The result? easier, faster, more settled sleep (yes, really!)
Will My Child Ever Sleep Independently?
Yes.
Independent sleep requires a combination of development, met needs and experience.
Just like walking or talking, children reach it at different times.
Some children do so relatively early.
Others need more time, support, and development.
Neither outcome means you’re doing something right or wrong.
Every child is different.
Do I Need to Stop Feeding My Baby to Sleep?
No.
If feeding to sleep is working for your family and supporting good sleep, there is no reason to stop.
Many families are surprised to learn that feeding to sleep and frequent waking are not automatically linked. I have worked with over 1000 families to improve sleep and I have not had to ask anyone to stop feeding to sleep to reduce wakes.
What matters is understanding and addressing the specific reasons your child is waking.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can babies sleep without sleep training?
Yes. Sleep improves through development, regulation, optimized routines, environmental adjustments, and responsive caregiving.
Is sleep a skill babies need to learn?
Sleep is a biological function that develops over time. While parents can support healthy sleep routines and environment, it is not something that can simply be taught on demand.
Are night wakes always a problem?
No. Wakes may be developmentally normal or due to normal feeding needs. It is critical to know what to expect. Get the free normal baby sleep guide here which shows you what is normal by age and stage of development.
Can responding to my baby create bad habits?
No. Responsive caregiving supports healthy development and does not automatically cause sleep problems.
Do I have to choose between sleep training and exhaustion?
No. Understanding and addressing the root cause of waking as well as routines that work for you and your baby result in healthy settled sleep.
Not Sure Why Your Baby Is Waking?
👉 Download the Free Normal Baby Sleep Guide to learn what sleep typically looks like at different ages and stages. If your baby wakes within the amount that the guide mentioned, their wakes are easy to settle with a feed and back to sleep, and it is easy to put them to sleep, they wake up in a generally positive mood – you do not have a sleep problem.
😍For a step-by-step personalized guidance to identify how to protect your own sleep, what’s actually driving your child’s sleep challenges and what to do about it to support healthy settled sleep, check out My Sleep Roadmap.
Inside, I’ll help you understand your child’s sleep through the lenses of development, regulation, relationship, feeding, comfort, and environment so you can make decisions that fit your child, your family, and your values. Your very own Rest(ie) Bestie AI helps to personalized the content to your current sleep problem and stage of development.